The Great Utah Road Trip July 3rd - 8th, Part 1: Where To Find The Coldest Beer in Boise.

I know, I know, technically I travelled to Seattle first but I barely had time to adjust to the time difference, let alone the Jesus Christ Made Seattle Under Protest grid before I was whisked away to the Red States. That and I'm still in Seattle at the moment, so I'd much rather do a write up once I've had the full SeaTac experience (Viva Sea-Tac!).

We set off for Utah on the afternoon of the 3rd, seven of us in two cars, Percy and Karl. Everyone tended to hate Karl for his complete inability to accelerate up hills but his unco-operative behaviour reminded me so much of Feste, my moody Beastiva that I quite liked him. Of course, I say this because I didn't drive...the concept of driving on the right hand side of the road doesn't freak me out but I'd be bloody dangerous in action...I'm damned if I know which way to look whenever I cross the road as a pedestrian, can you imagine me trying to do a left hand turn in a car?

Anyway, Karl came equipped with Satellite Radio, which is a lot like Cable TV in that it's the most awesome thing you've ever seen and oh my god you'll never ever get sick of this...and then after an hour, you discover that just because there's a lot of selection, that's no guarantee of quality. There was a channel dedicated to the 1950s which I quite liked, there was an all Elvis, all the time station and they even had Patrick Wolf on Left-Of-Centre but aside from that...too many Christian channels, way too much country (one channel dedicated to country is too much) and not enough rockin'.

Then there was the scenery on the road. We crossed five states during the course of our road trip - Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Utah and Nevada (in order of appearance). Washington is interesting for a while because it's quite mountainous and green and foresty and Oregon's a bit like that too but then you get to Idaho. Oh my god, Idaho, not even SatRad and endless rounds of Taboo can save you. Parts of that state reminded me of crossing the Nullabor(e) because it's all just one big expanse of deserty nothingness where no one can hear you scream. The small towns we came across within and on the way to Idaho are similar to the little spits of civilisation you see on the way to Western Australia, except there are terrible burger chains and Wal-Marts where the filthy pubs and Target Country stores should be and not as many American men (or women for that matter) go around sporting big beards such as the kind you'd see sprouting on folks in Olary.

I couldn't (and still can not) get past the amount of burger chains here. It's not just McDonalds and KFC any more...there are tens, possibly hundreds of cloned buildings with big, gaudy logos springing up in every town and as with SatRad, the more selection you have, the lesser the quality. My beef (so to speak) is not so much the quantity of these places (well, ok, it is a large part of it), but rather the fact that I don't believe that anyone should invest any sort of interest in food that takes longer to eat than it does to cook. Particularly if it takes a minute to serve up a burger, and two minutes to scoff it. It's just wrong.

We spent most of the afternoon and a few of the a.m hours on the road to Boise, the capital city. Compared to the rest of Idaho, Boise is a quaint little town with shady avenues, lots of green spaces near the river and, if the free publications are to be believed, damn cold beer at the local P.F Chang's. There's a souvenir store called Taters (oh god). There are cinemas which screen three year old Australian films. There's the Capitol building, which looks exactly the same as every other Capitol building ever, and a parking lot that looks like a giant diving board. That's really about it. That being said, I actually didn't mind Boise...the shade gave us respite from the heat, the city looked well-planned with its broad streets and its walkability (that's totally a word) and, after endless 'same, same, different name' small towns with their rows of Wendy's, Arby's and other chains with apostrophes, it was a relief to see a building over three stories high.

The next day was full of Idaho. I've complained about Idaho enough for you to get the picture I saw out of the window. Thank god for music, sweet music, as napping vertically proved near-impossible...sleeping horizontally was difficult enough for me, who had not quite become accustomed to the time zone change and was on constant doses of Nyquil thanks to the flu which will not die. Travellers tip #1: Don't take sleeping pills, no matter how strong the temptation. I found that although I slept at night, I also wanted to sleep during the day, which made me even more of a pain in the ass to be around. That and they screw with so much more than just your sleeping capacity.

zzzzzzzzzz.....

We eventually arrived in the state of Utah in the early afternoon and you could instantly sense the change...by the choice of roadside advertising. There's not enough city in Idaho to warrant many eyesores on the side of the road but Utah was a different story. The closer we got to Salt Lake, the more distractions there were and they were hilarious. One particular ad stated the following: "You exchange 500+ different types of bacteria when kissing.' I can't remember the exact number. What was it supposed to be advertising? Sexually transmitted disease? Oral hygeine products? Wrong.

Toyota.

Yeah, the car company.

Jesus christ. You know you're in a Red State when...

Salt Lake City is one of those places that looks quite beautiful from a distance. A great deal of the buildings are tall and white, it is surrounded by mountains and, like Boise, it's quite well organised in terms of the layout. After my functioning brain cell kicked in and I figured out the North/South, East/West, numbered street system, it was really easy. After coming from Australia, where all the streets are named and not numbered, it takes a while to get used to addresses like 200 S West Temple. On our first day when we were all strolling around finding a place to eat, Salt Lake looked so clean. Sterile, really. Like a dentist's office. I soon found out it wasn't the case but that first day in Salt Lake was a trip.

I forgot to mention, that day was also the 4th. It was way more subdued than I thought it would be, perhaps it was because we were in Utah or perhaps it was because we missed the main celebrations but it was so...nothing much. In Australia there are rabid patriots everywhere, with flags attached to cars and green and gold face paint and all that embarrassing rubbish that mostly occurs on the 26th of January, or at sporting events. I didn't see a single flag on anyone's car in Salt Lake. Most people didn't even wish us a happy 4th of July. My friends and I were almost poking fun of the whole concept, but that's probably because my little group was comprised of 2 Australians, 4 Canadians and 1 Canadian/American. Oh another trip for Salt Lake travellers: don't sit on the grass in Utah. I woke up the next morning covered in red scratches thanks to the itchy grassy knoll we were celebrating on and I know I wasn't the only one.

The next day saw me transferred to The Camelot Hostel on the very edge of the Downtown area
whilst my friends went camping in the National Parks. I'm a fan of keeping clean and well-groomed and although I like communing with nature on the odd occasion, two days without a shower is an unthinkable concept. So I opted to remain a city slicker in order to prepare myself for the two long months where I'd be a stranger in a strange land. Oh the tales I will tell...