Visit Utah! We have Super Wal-Marts!

So, my accommodation is almost completely sorted out for my entire U.S.A trip. It's been a long, drawn-out process with moments of panic ("Christ, these crazy Elvis fans book well in advance don't they?"), moments of ecstasy ("That is the most awesome bed and breakfast I've ever seen!") moments of sadness ("Oh crap, it's in Arkansas") and moments...of disbelief.

That was in my confirmation email from the hostel in Salt Lake City, Utah. You know you're in trouble when you're visiting a city which has the library and a Super Wal-Mart listed as the main attractions. I love the sound of my hostel though (free internet is always a drawcard), on the reservation site it claims 'We take credit card holders only for a more select clientele' and 'Felons need NOT apply' (do parking tickets count?).

I think I'll tell them I dyed my hair red and black for a dare...

9 Days To Go - How to Get From Washington to Connecticut and Back In 60 Days (Before My Greyhound Pass Expires).

The laziest blogger in history returns with another update about my USA Travels and I'll warn you lot now, it's the bumper edition. My date of departure is arriving at breakneck speed (where the hell did June disappear to? I looked behind the couch and everything, yet just like those free Hoyts movie passes I had, most of the month vanished into thin air) and I'm still not completely sure of what I'm doing (for example I have no idea where I'm staying in Vegas, I may have to get hitched to some random for a few days just for the assurance of accomodation).

The good news is my first port of call has already been confirmed for months - beautiful Seattle, where I'll be based until July 22nd and hopefully I'll be deaf by the time that date rolls around so as I make my way further South, I won't have to listen to that accent. After the 23rd, the chances of my plans going balls-up are all too likely to happen. That being said I do have a decent itinerary of places I'm going to visit and for the benefit of the five of you who might actually be interested in where I'm going, my confirmed destinations are as follows:

Seattle, Washington (30th June - 22nd July)

Why?

Duh. Also, it's where good music was invented and I can bomb the hell out of the Pike Place Market-dwelling retards who thought combining fish and business pseudo-psychological bullshit was a brilliant idea (it took THREE people to come up with that book? I'm aware that they're Americans but I can't get over the fact that it took THREE authors to write a book I wouldn't give to a three year old child for fear of insulting their intelligence) . Note to any FBI/CIA operatives reading this, I won't really be bombing anything plz don't revoke my visa.

Salt Lake City, Utah (July 3rd - 8th)

Um, Why?

I want to get myself a pair of Magic Mormon Underpants, although that women's top garment thing doesn't look very uplifting. Do you wear a bra underneath that? Are Mormons allowed padded support? I know these undies protect the body from Satanic evil and car crashes and whatnot, but does Jesus use his divine power to help prevent sagging?

I digress. Some of Milly's gang and I are roadtripping to Utah (with an overnight stop in some camping ground in Idaho, oh my god) to see some arches in some national park. We're also checking out the sights and sounds of Salt Lake (Tabernacle Choir anyone?) but really, I'm just in it for the underwear so I'll have my you-know-what covered for the rest of my trip.

San Francisco, California (July 23rd - 29th)

What for?

We're all well aware of my fag-haggotry. San Fran looks like the one part of California I can deal with, plus there's good shopping, good food and there's Pope St (I am going to find the Cho bookshop if it's the last thing I do). I'm giving myself a good week here as I do plan to visit the surrounding areas and I swear it's for more reasons than just me having the opportunity to sing 'Do You Know the Way to San José?' The Winchester Mystery House, San Jose, CA (photo courtesy of the website)

Las Vegas, Nevada (July 30th - August 4th)

Why?

Because it's Vegas and as much as I hate gambling, everyone has been telling me to go there. It's a rite of passage. It's where The Killers are from! It gave the world Siegfried and Roy! And...um, Panic! At The Disco (?!) Plus, it will be deliciously tacky, I'll get some great photos and the idea that I could be singing Luscious Jackson's 'Sexy Hypnotist' when I'm really lost on the strip - that's way too good to pass up.

Albuquerque, New Mexico (August 4th - 10th)

What in the hell possessed you to pick there?

You have nooooo idea how excited I am.

Initially I picked Albuquerque because I want to go somewhere South that doesn't house Bush and doesn't have people either playing a banjo or sporting a shotgun on their front steps every 100 metres. Also, it had a really funny name and I thought I'd identify with the city since I come from the Land of the Long, Hilarious Place Names (and they're all in NSW).

Also, why, yes...I was a Warner Bros fan.

Then I actually researched the place and it's bloody gorgeous! I hear Santa Fe is similarly lovely, so a day trip or two is definitely on the cards.

Roswell, New Mexico (August 10th - 11th)

Why?

For laughs, mostly. I needed to waste a couple of days before I hit Arkansas and Roswell's on the way and I thought I'd um, crash overnight *dodges tomatoes*. Imagine the photos that will come out of this crazy, crazy town. I'm so annoyed that the UFO festival is in July.

Amarillo, Texas (August 11th - 12th)

What in the hell for? It's like...Texas that isn't Austin?

For the record, I'd love to go to Austin but it's not on the way to anywhere and I've booked my hotel room in Arkansas on the 12th :( . Amarillo is going to suck, hardcore, as I get there at 4pm in the afternoon and have to LEAVE at 4:50am the next day. Ugh. The thing is, I couldn't not stop here, seeing as my main reason for going on a cross-country USA tour was to find the tacky and Amarillo is at the forefront of Great American Tacky. There are four reasons to come here if you're game, according to an American ex-colleague who hates everything to do with Texas (except Austin). One is the Big Texan Steak Ranch, this tremendously tacky restaurant with a big, idiotic-looking cow out the front and big, idiotic-looking Americans on the inside. And then there's me, who doesn't even eat steak. So why am I bothering? Because the big, idiotic-looking Americans occasionally get up on a platform and try their luck at eating a 4 1/2 pound steak (that's roughly the weight of a premature baby, ewwww) in under an hour. If they manage to eat the whole meal (there's a side salad which requires eatin' too) then they get it FREE. Yee-haw! I think I'll be having me some Chicken Fried Steak with Cream Gravy...

Then, apparently there's the largest cross in the northern hemisphere at one end of town...and three huge silos full of porn at the other. Oh my god. Only in Texas could this be possible.

The fourth reason is this:

This, my friends is the Cadillac Ranch, just outside of town. There are a bunch of old cadillac cars, buried halfway in the ground and stuck at the angle of the Cheops pyramid in Egypt. Visitors are encouraged to make their mark on one (or a few, or all) of the cars at any time of the day or night.

Little Rock, Arkansas (August 12th - 14th)

Christ, why?

Admittedly, there's bugger all to do here...but look at where I'm staying. Yeah.

Memphis, Tennessee (August 14th - 17th)

My problem with Memphis is that I have far too much to do here. Sun Studios, Graceland, The Center for Southern Folklore, STAX Museum of Soul etc. That and there's a few pilgrimages - Sun Studios is one of course (the 1950's being my decade...musically speaking) and the Wolf River (R.I.P Jeff) and then there's Elvis. I had no idea when I planned this trip that my stay in Memphis was directly coinciding with Elvis Week. Even better, it's the 30th Anniversary of his death. Brilliant timing or WHAT?! It's going to be insane. Expect many, many photographs.

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania (August 18th - 20th)

Er...why?

1. Squirrel Hill
2. It's where Queer As Folk is set (most of the show, however, was filmed in Toronto).
3. It's also where the Daniel Handler novel Watch Your Mouth is set.
4. I've...got nothing. I needed to go somewhere after Memphis to chill out for a couple of days.

New York City, New York (August 21st - Sept 3)

Why?

Duh.

Hartford, Connecticut (Sept 3rd - Sept 6th)

Why would anyone voluntarily go to a place labelled 'The Insurance Capital of America'?

A few reasons actually. For starters, I blame Find Your Spot (have you ever done that quiz? If you have, I want to know what results you got and if you haven't, do it now) for thinking that I either belong here, in Portland, Oregon or (their first pick) Little Rock, Arkansas (whatttt). Hartford seemed to be the most promising out of the three. Then I discovered these photos (bless you, Wikipedia):

(L-R: Mark Twain House, Trinity College, The Connecticut State Capitol).

Also: did you know Katharine Hepburn, the greatest actress of all time, lived in Hartford? I sense there will be pilgrimages during my stay here, oh yes.

Boston, Massachusetts (Sept 6th - Sept 9th)

Why, you traitorous huss? We thought you were a good daughter of the British Empire who enjoyed a sweet cup of tea?

I do. However, I do want to make my trip a little bit educational (mostly to please my Grandpa who won't want to know about all my shopping expeditions, educational though they may be) plus I'll be able to check out some Ivy League colleges while I'm on the East coast. I'm a little unnerved about this leg of my trip though, especially after seeing this. That link was on the main page of the Visitors site!?

Chicago, Illinois (Sept 10th - 16th)

Why?

Because I'm a Sufjan Stevens fan. I'm also a Jazz/Blues fan. I'm also, you know, a music fan. If I haven't had my fill in Seattle/Memphis/New York City then I better get it here. Either that, or I'll go over my withdrawl limit with all the decent shopping.


Minneapolis, Minnesota (Sept 16th - Sept 18th)

Ok there's been some pretty bizarre destinations on here but Minnesota?

So, technically speaking, Minneapolis isn't where I'm going to be. It's where I'm going to get off the Greyhound bus so I can hitch a ride to Bloomington, which is where the Mall of America is. Oh baby, American Excess here I come. There's an amusement park in the middle of the bloody mall. There are over 520 stores, including four huge department stores (eat your heart out David Jones!!). There's...an even bigger mall in West Edmonton in Canada.

Portland, Oregon (Sept 20th - 24th)

Why?

Because I've been doing some reading. I'm aiming to stay at the Heathman's Hotel, in Room 803 just to see if my water bottle is mysteriously emptied. I want to visit the Self Cleaning House and I want to see if some chick in a white dress throws herself off the Columbia Gorge Hotel tower. Most of all, however, I want to attend a screening of The Rocky Horror Picture Show and be 'deflowered'. The most annoying part of this trip is that I'll have to spend nearly two days on a bus just to get there, with transfers in Montana. Ughhhh.

I never realised just how full-on this trip was going to be until I spent four hours writing about it. Let's hope I survive and still have a bit of cash left by the time I leave the U.S around the end of September (I may pop up and see Milly* one last time before I go) and begin a fabulous seven-month stint in Vancouver, Canada**. Have I started planning for that yet? Hahahahaha.


* That's three shameless plugs in one entry! I'm a good friend, I am.
**dates/places subject to change.